THERAPY TO BLOCK OUT THE NEGATIVE

This is the best way that I can get out all of my wedding week frustration...and anger...and hurt feelings. I am realizing that I have surrounded myself with some people that are anything but friends and now I am forced to spend the happiest day of my life with them. I am trying really hard to make myself believe that I won't actually be thinking of any of this on Saturday...but in my heart I know it will bother me...mostly because it is something I will have to deal with after the wedding is over. I guess I shouldn't be suprised that something like this would happen considering what the last 2 months have been like...but did it really have to involve my wedding? I just trust people too much or too easily. I am bitter and heartbroken that "friends" would tarnish our "big day"...but when your friends are selfish and jealous I guess you can't be too suprised. I must say that through this situation I have learned who my true friends are and I really feel closer to them. I hate that evertime I think of friday and saturday I get a little sick at my stomach...and it isn't nerves...it's dread. Can you fire people from your wedding party? I only wish!

Ok...I am done...I hope I have an amazing wedding day...despite all that has happened.

Nowhere else to turn

I have been struggling with my emotions since the fire that destroyed the second story of my home 2 weeks ago. I usually do pretty well writing in a journal or expressing myself with some sort of art project but since all my supplies were destroyed in the fire and I don't really trust putting words to paper at this point...I could only turn to this blog.

I am so angry. I am angry, and brokenhearted, and sick inside. I can't shake all the feelings I have about this terrible event in my life. I am trying so hard to be normal...and it isn't working. I don't know how I can still be so upset about losing physical things...after all they are , were just things. It's just that I spent so much time in that space. I felt safe and happy and creative. I think about all of the hours I sat at that desk...organizing and reorganizing my supplies, working out sketches and ideas for scrapbook pages and cards, recording events in my life that I wanted to pass on to my children...or just to have for myself. Now it is all gone.

I am sick of everyone telling me how much fun I will have buying new stuff. I am sick of everyone telling me that I should be grateful that none of us were hurt. I know all this already. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like a huge chunk of my soul is gone. I don't feel safe, I can't sleep, I am even having a difficult time going out into crowded places. I will never be able to forget the feeling I had when I looked up the stairs and saw the fire. How I thought, "oh my God, this is really happening"

I am trying to go on with my life. It is so hard. I don't know why. I am sitting in this apartment that the insurance company is paying for...and I don't want to leave it. I thought I was a stronger person than this. I just want to rewind. I wish I could. I feel selfish for feeling sorry for myself. Every time I see a house fire on the news...and there have been a lot in the past few days...I try to find a reason why their situation is so much worse than mine. Why? I lost a lot too. So many things that I will never get back, can never be replaced, and would break my heart to try.

I am trying so hard to concentrate on planning the wedding. This is supposed to be such an exciting part of my life. Not so sad and devastating. Does anyone know how hard it is to list all your possessions...well most of them...on pieces of paper and try to assign value to them? Like my grandmothers orange chair that I loved since I was a child even though everyone else hated it. Little stuffed animals and trinkets that I couldn't let go of because I hold on to anything that anybody gives me...because they gave it to me for a reason?

Ok...I am starting to feel a little more in control. I am also posting some pics...just because.

SO SICK of "goodbyes"

I am missing Tim, badly! He left hours ago after being here for an entire week. Wow, time really does fly when you are having fun and I would give just about anything to rewind to last week. I had a great b-day weekend at the lake and Tim and I had the entire week to just hang around the house together! I am amazed that it gets harder each time he leaves! You would think that I would be used to it by now...I guess you never get used to it. I have also just found out that his next assignment might keep us apart another 4 months after we get married. We won't even get to be together once we are "husband and wife"! I am just so sick of it!!!
Wow! Sorry about another rant! I am just in such a funk right now! I promise I will not write more until I have something cheerful to say!

Am I on vacation?

I am sitting here, in Huntsville, Missouri...population of...well, less than 2,000. This SHOULD be the last time I have to grace Huntsville with my presence...I hope! This time next month Tim should be on a new job and far away from a town that houses it's police station and city hall in a building smaller than a trailer! Don't get me wrong, there isn't anything bad about small towns...but I have a hard time looking forward to a daily 30 minute drive to Wal Mart just to have something to do. I am trying to tell myself I am on a mini vacation...but...really? I can in no way believe that I would ever enjoy hanging out in a place like this by choice. I am here only to spend time with my sweetheart and to enjoy 6 days in which I don't have to clean house, work in the yard, or think about wedding planning in any way. Well, that's not true...I do think about it...I just don't have to do any leg work or make any phone calls!

(Oh, God...I hear what I think are gunshots. Is it hunting season? Oh...this is not the place for me. I can pretend it's fireworks!)

I am trying to get over almost 3 weeks of being sick! I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! My allergies are terrible and out of my last 7 nights at home I worked 6 of them...which is not something normal. It sounds crazy to all you 9-5ers out there but I am able to get my work week in during 3 12hour shifts and putting six of them together in one week is just suicide. It is no wonder I have been sick...I didn't make my schedule like that on purpose...that is another issue...not suitable for blogging!

Well, I have finally posted again! I am so bad at this! To my buddy DannyL...I swear I haven't forgotten about you! We will get together soon! You might just have to take me hostage...or something!

More later.....

ALMOST MAY!!

Still no luck with locations for my wedding. Oh, well...it'll happen somewhere!

I am so excited because Tim will be home this weekend and we will be attending the 5th annual Derby Party at our friend Ryan's. This is one of the best parties of the year and lets all of us old folks prove that we can still drink all day long and survive! I can't wait to see Tim! It will be the first time he has been home in two months! I will do my best not to make his "honey do" list too long.

I am loving acupuncture! It really works! Everybody makes fun of me believing in "voodoo" medicine...but if it works...hey, who am I to judge?

I will try to post pictures after Derby and I am working on my Wedding website...so hopefully I can link to it soon!

Later---

Death Of A Dream

I have a photographer...
I have airline tickets for a honeymoon...
I HAVE NO LOCATION FOR MY WEDDING CEREMONY AND RECEPTION!

I can't believe it. I went to put down a deposit today and there were issues with beverage service which was a deal breaker. I am now back on the hunt but now I have a date to stick to. This is either terrible or a blessing in disguise. I am trying to be positive and remember when one door closes another opens. At least that's what I keep telling myself!!!

SUCCESS

I am so happy! The wedding plans are officially underway! Today I met with my photographer and signed the contract and made the deposit! This was my biggest stress...because I was really picky about who I wanted and I got my first choice! It was so meant to be! Tomorrow I go to put my deposit down on the location for the ceremony and reception and then I will be able to relax!
I have been so super stressed out because I have so much to do and no time to do it! I have gotten used being off all week and working on the weekends so now I only have two days to be productive...and if I don't stay up for 24+ hours on Thursday then I only have one. All this is so confusing...sorry. Unless you work night shift, its really difficult to understand transitioning between work nights and daytime activities. Today I went for my first acupuncture session and I wish I had waited until tomorrow because I had been up 20 hours. I'll admit, it was weird and very painful afterwards...but and hour later all my back pain was gone! Maybe I have found something that works! Now maybe I can drag my fat ass to the gym! I also get to get a haircut tomorrow after waiting for 3 weeks for the receptionist at the salon to actually answer the phone...I know this is insane...but I really like the girl that cuts my hair! Bliss!
I must profusely apologize to my dear DannyL for standing you up on Sunday! Driving all that way for 14 hours with Tim was so worth it! We just really needed some time together. Seeing him only once a month is getting so old...of course, I've been saying that for over a year! We took the dogs to a big field next to a Staples and played with them for a while! It was really nice! I think they miss him as much as I do! I came home Sunday night and slept from 7pm to 3pm the next day. I am so unhealthy!
I will post after more progress! Its finally all coming together!!!